REMINDER: The answers provided are given as information only and do not
replace the need to seek out private professional assistance. If this is
an emergency, please call 911 immediately.
This is Dr. Kevin Skinner with MyExpertSolution. I want to thank you for asking your question.
You found out a couple of months ago that your wife of nine years was having an affair with a coworker. You were blindsided and never thought she would do something like that to you. You are still completely lost and do not know who to blame. You do not know how to talk to her about the affair.
This is a very important question. Researchers have found that the most common response to discovering a partner’s affair is trauma. Some of the symptoms of trauma are flashbacks, irritability, restlessness and agitation. You may try to seclude yourself from people. These responses parallel posttraumatic stress disorder. You may feel anxious. You may worry a lot. You may feel uncomfortable in public and feel that others are judging you. You may act as if everyone knows what has happened. These are shock symptoms you can expect. Realize that these feelings are normal. Dr. Shirley Glass said, “It is important to know that obsessive thinking is not a pathological response to trauma. It is a normal response. You need to grapple with the shattered assumptions you had about your marriage and construct the story of the affair in a way that makes sense to you.” Your mind is trying to make sense of this.
You do not know who to blame. The best approach to this is to step away from the blame. Look in the mirror. Then look at your wife and the context in which this occurred. Dr. Don-David Lusterman wrote, “It is important to try to understand why an act of unfaithfulness has occurred. Once you have a sense why it happened, you can consider what to do about it.”
In an article I wrote entitled "Infidelity: Why Women Have Affairs," I talk about five reasons that women have affairs. Their emotional needs may not be met. It may be a way to get attention. They may be seeking retaliation for partners who have wandered. Some women say that they have never loved their husbands. Some say that it just happened. Sometimes individuals get trapped in the good feelings they get from intermingling with others, such as coworkers. In that interaction, they let things happen that should not. It is important for you and your wife to understand why this happened.
At this time, it is normal for you to have so many questions. You may be asking about every detail of the affair. This may be difficult to talk about. You are begging for information from your wife. She may be hesitant to talk because she feels guilty. She has to be ready to give up the affair before she can talk about it. If she is not ready, she will probably not want to give that information. This will create more conflict and tension.
This may be hard, but you need to create an environment where your wife can open up. Create a safe place to communicate about the feelings associated with her affair. This will be very painful. Do not be angry or irritable. Take in the information and look at the facts. How did the two of you disconnect? What symptoms did you ignore?
In her book, Shirley Glass wrote, “55% of unfaithful wives and 70% of unfaithful husbands reported that their spouses did not know about the extramarital involvement.” Do not feel bad that you did know about it. You trusted your spouse. That will make it more painful at this point because you do not know if you can trust her again.
How do you build trust again? David Carder wrote a book called Torn Asunder. In his book, he suggests that couples take 90 days to work on the marriage. Ask the third party not to contact you. Take 90 days to focus on rebuilding the marriage. This book is a great resource.
I know this will not be easy. It will take some time to sort out your life. We are here at MyExpertSolution to answer any further questions. I suggest that you listen to my radio show with David Carder from early 2009 called Community Talk Time. I talked in depth about the process of working through infidelity. It is available on our website. I also encourage you to read the articles on our website on infidelity.
We are here to help you navigate through this difficult time. Thank you for asking your question here at MyExpertSolution.
