Hello, this is Dr. Rich Varlinsky for MyExpertSolution. The question I have today is on stress, pressure and family. Here is the question: "I have been a construction foreman for a local homebuilder for nearly 20 years. Despite the recent economic woes, our company is in a pretty good market, and we have remained busy. As a matter of fact, my company expanded to a new market, opening up a branch in another state nearly 700 miles away. The president of the company told me that if I wanted to keep my job, I would have to become foreman in the new branch. My grown kids live only blocks away, and not long ago, I got to see the birth of my first grandchild. The thought of leaving and not seeing them grow tore me apart. My wife said she would not leave this town and her family, but my boss gave me the ultimatum: I move, or I'm out of a job. I was so torn and burdened by this that it was ruining my life. I couldn't eat or sleep, I couldn't stop my mind from spinning, I literally felt like I was losing control over all my life, my family, my career. I don't know where to go, where to turn, or what to do. My current situation at work has put me in a terrible position: I am forced to choose between my family and my career. The recent stress of the situation has taken a toll on me and I cannot shake it. I have lost my appetite, I don't sleep at night, and I am always tired. . . sometimes to the point that I am too tired to think any more. But no matter what I do, I cannot turn my brain off. It constantly races with 'what-if's' and second-guesses. This is no way to live, and I have to make something change. How do I cope with this?"

This is an excellent question.  The massive changes in our economy have many families facing similar situations.  The resulting stress from change, upheaval, and uncertainty is very real, robbing quality of life and affecting our health.  Much of this stress comes from the perception that the results from making these changes will cause us to lose something we value.  Given this perception, no matter which path we take, the net result is pain.  We begin to see the world through "doom-colored glasses."  This causes us to feel physical, emotional, and mental stress.  We tighten up and inhibit our ability to see options and possibilities.  We develop tunnel vision, focusing only on the problem, not exploring creative solutions.  Everything becomes an all-or-nothing choice.  We feel trapped and lose hope.  

In your situation, I can understand the physical and emotional toll this has on you.  Your body is reacting to something that it perceives as a dire threat.  Anyone facing this type of outcome would feel stressed. However, there is help and hope within your grasp.  What can you do to improve your ability to cope?  

Well, the first thing to do is to take action to improve your personal health.  Feelings of stress cause the body to go through powerful biological changes that upset our natural balance.  Regular exercise can provide an outlet for the excess energy produced by the feelings of stress. A balanced diet with limited intake of caffeine, sugar, and fat can regulate energy levels and improve brain function.  During periods of high stress, it is wise to talk with your family doctor and have a checkup to address any concerns or symptoms you are experiencing.  

The next is to get some peace back into your life by breaking the negative emotional focus.  Stress thrives on negative emotions like anger, frustration, and worry.  These emotions increase the stress response and sustain it through constant negative emotional thought loops.  Like an endless loop of tape, we constantly allow negative emotions to fill our mind and heart.  The answer is to interrupt the pattern and change focus.  The emotions of thankfulness, gratitude, and appreciation are incredibly powerful and healing.  They activate our natural calming response.  Now, how can you quickly change your emotional state?  Well, just like the old song says, "count your blessings."  And what are some of your blessings in this situation?  Well, you have a good job and are valued by your company.  You have an excellent work ethic and years of accomplishment.  They trust you enough to head up a new expansion project.  They believe you are the right man for the job.  You have the skills and ability to handle this challenge.  You have a tight-knit family that is loving and wants you to be a part of their lives. You have obviously been a great role model and a wonderful father.  In a time of disintegrating families, this is a huge blessing. Your wife is a loving and nurturing person that cares deeply for the family—you included.  Her desire is to keep everyone connected and maintain the closeness you love.  The fear of having something that could take away this process causes a powerful reaction.  Well then, what is causing the strong reactions from everyone involved?  

The fear of loss and prospective and uncertain future.

When we are afraid of losing something we love and value, we react to protect from this loss.  Many times this comes out as a strong reaction of "no way." This is the source of most ultimatums. Ultimatums destroy communication.  Our walls go up and we go into a full defensive mode.  When we encounter defensive reactions, we also tend to go into a defensive mode and feel threatened.  When people strongly react in a harsh manner, we need to realize this is a response to a perceived need.  We need to look beyond the hurt to the need.

Everyone wants a workable answer in this situation that will benefit all concerned.  The goal is to move from reactivity to proactivity.  How do you move to proactive situations and solutions? Well, carrying the burden of this decision on your own is overwhelming.  It is almost impossible to arrive at great decisions when hampered by tremendous stress.  You end up operating in total survival mode.  The best answer is to open up the lines of communication, starting with the family.  Sincere, honest, and loving communication is the first step to solutions and cooperation.  The choice you are facing affects the entire family.  Therefore, the family needs to be involved in the decision.  The greatest strength and asset you have is your loving family.  When people are part of the decision-making process, they tend to relax.  By getting your family to work together synergistically, this can create a winning answer for all concerned.  Now, take the following four steps.  

1. Call a family meeting.  Tell the family you need their help with the choice you are facing.  You value their ideas, feelings, and insights, and this decision will be made by the family, since it affects the family.  By doing this, you integrate, not alienate.  

2. Allow each person to express what they think and feel.  Listen with your heart and mind.  Do not make judgments, but validate their feelings and allow them to express them fully.  The goal is to set up a climate of free-flowing communication. 

3. Start a brainstorming session.  Allow everyone to have input.  Write down each idea, not judging it, but putting it on a list.

4. Begin working through the list.  Commit to arriving at a course of action that is a win-win for everyone.  This will involve some give and take, but a synergistic solution is possible.  It might not be possible to do this in one session, but see it through and do not give up.  

This method will bring the family closer, instead of tearing it apart. Sharing this with the family will lighten your feelings of stress and pressure.  It also teaches valuable problem-solving skills and transforms the unsolvable to the solvable.  I wish you well on this journey, and I know by using these methods, you can arrive at something that works for everyone, and you will have achieved that goal of keeping the family together and allowing you to grow in love and happiness.  Take care.